Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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