The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize