You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Let's get the cat blown out
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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