You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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