I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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