im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
