Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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