I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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