we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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