saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
