The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
