You're so nebulous sometimes
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
