When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
