You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
