Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
