Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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