my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize