Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
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