I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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