Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
so much tequila, so little girl.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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