Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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