oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
