i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
