dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize