Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize