Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
this will be a night to untag.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
