Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize