Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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