never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
false alarm, still single
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
