the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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