Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize