i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
