You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
