Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize