between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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