My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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