made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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