You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
