3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize