Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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