I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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