1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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