Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
