Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
