I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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