I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
