Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
