I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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