shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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