Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
