I just saw a hot homeless man
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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