We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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