Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
