I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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