Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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