I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
