ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Someone stole a lamp last night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
