It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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